A Day In The Life

2010-11-27T23:52:00.002-05:00

Well I have been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthiritis and my return to work date in Feb 2011 hopefully. Im taking about 6+ pills a day and may be moving to self injections in two weeks because one of the new medications makes my stomach very very upset. Im a bit tired right now so I will post more later..

2010-11-22T21:13:00.002-05:00

So we decided we are moving to California by Dec 2011. Just feels right for us and we have wanted to move there for a very long time. We are all very excited so the planning begins for the big move. Well tomorrow I go to the doctor and see when if I will be able to return to work next week. I shall post with an update.

2010-11-06T11:44:00.002-04:00

Good Morning folks,

Well I have had a busy week goin to aquatics therapy 3x a week. I came home yesterday very sore. But I guess its for the best. I go to the orthopedic surgeon on Tuesday to see about removing the cyst in my right knee joint. The cyst came from my knee being constantly inflamed. I have my four year old neice and seven year old nephew for the weekend so it's extra noisy around these parts. But the kids are all having fun. I tossed and turned all night my left knee hurt soo bad. Not to mention mister Yael kept saying his tummy hurt. Aeiress had us in the emergency room sunday 11pm til after 6am monday. She swallowed a earring and choked on it throwing up blood. We didnt know what it was she actually choked on until we saw the xray at the hospital it was a lock earring with a hook on it. So we were transferred to a children's hospital because they thought it could puncture something. The did more xrays and it had moved to her small intestines and the specialist decided she could pass it and she did on thursday. Yaye!!!! So relieved that it is over. Yael is going through this incredibly whinny period and whines about everything it is very fustrating to deal with. He is as big as my neice who is four and he is only two. Everyone thinks he is so much older. lol I have a huge pet peeve When I am out with my kids and they ask if they are all mine and I say yes they say but your so young I get this look like omg she has one like every year, and I know they have different fathers lol and they ask if the youngest are twins and I say no there goes the look again.... then they say how many months apart are they I say four and if by some chance that day I decide to say i adopted the two boys its oh your so wonderful and your an angel. But just a second ago I was some trifling baby making machine who you thought was only 22. It gets on my nerve for the most part I just smile and nod really wanting to bite there heads off. I am 26 years old I have a great job as does my partner I dont get how you can just judge a person like that. Uggggg I am so pissed at this past election I dont know what to do. I read that only. 4.7% of african americans voted.. Yet we are the first to complain... I was at the polls at 7am when they opened.. Why wish for changed, want change, and get pissed when there isnt any change, when you dont even care enough to get your ass out and do soemthing about it.... There is no unity whatso ever in the black community none.. I am disappointed to the fullest....

Im Back

2010-11-04T23:42:00.004-04:00

Well I have been gone for a very long time from blogland but decided to give it a go again. So to play catch up We finally have adopted our two boys and we are done being foster parents. Our foster daughter lidia is nolonger with us. She tore our family apart It is still hard for me to talk about I feel scarred by what she did. We found out that her bf was beating on her and sexually assaulting her so we took he to get a restraining order got a lawyer and everything. In return she got mad at us for doing so and told dhs that we were abusing the kids and her. They came and removed my sons from our home and we fought tooth and nail to get them back it took 3 weeks but we got our sons back. But that scarred me having someone take my children from me. We had gotten custody of lidia but had to let her go back to the system she was a danger to our family she would be still having the abuser around and we wouldnt have been able to get our boys back. She went through three foster homes in a month after leaving us and finally ran away from the system. Well they found out she went back to her mother in Oklahomah and they transferred her case down there. On the up side my life is so very peaceful with out the drama of a teen and her son. My children are all doing very well. My health has been pretty bad I am out of work on short term disability have been since september of this year. They still havent narrowed down my illness but its a autoimmune system connective tissue disease of some sort. so that makes life tough most days I am in pain and very tired. Luck me I have Jay and my mother who moved in back in Oct 2009 to help me out. I work as a shareholder services specialist for BNY Mellon in their mutual funds division. Jay is still military police. and Life for us as a family is great. More pics and updates to come..

2009-05-02T19:14:00.001-04:00

Well Aeiress has begun to crawl and whe now that both babies are on the move.............. Im really beat

2009-04-30T17:03:00.000-04:00

Hello,

Been very tied up with life with the photography studio, and the record label I have been swapped. The group we manage will be opening for Ray j on june 7th so its alot preparing for it. they also will be front page of the Mafioso magazine and the WWS magazine. We had rehersal last night with our new artists a singer who will be featuring on the groups song for the opening act. The name of our group is The Cashtronauts and you can here some music and pics with the photo shoot we did(we are doing another one today) at www.myspace.com/thecashtronauts. They are a hiphop group. The name of our label is Fifth Aeir Entertainment.

For the kids the boys bio is now in jail and noone knows how long as she has to go to court. The DHS worker is going to take the papers up to the jailhouse for her to sign away her rights to us. the case worker we had was fired and the agency has not assign a new one as of yet. So right now the supervisor of the agency is over seeing the case. Lidia has a meeting with DHS so they could make sure that here is where she wants to be. She has three choices she could of chose from either she could stay in the system and they would give her an apartment when she turned 16 and pay her rent and such. she could go back to her mom, and she could stay here and she chose to stay here.

Hope everyone is doing ok I havent had a chance to read in a while but will try tonight if the babies go to sleep on time. laterzzzzz

2009-04-21T12:44:00.000-04:00

In my haste I forgot to post a few pics of kids we took in our studio. As for with lidia it was alomost a done deal with her last night after she got in trouble for cutting school she says she nolonger wants to do PLC that she wants to stay in DHS til she is adopted and so that would mean she would be placed elsewhere because once we adopt the boys we are nolonger doing foster care. So she went to her room for the rest of the night so around 11 pm she came down stairs and finally we got out of her why she has been behaiving like she has and I realized that the adoption case worker was coming out finally today. So what she was doing is trying to jepordize the whole thing with her staying permenatly because she is afraid because she thinks once dhs is out of the picture things will change between us like we would began to treat her differently and as she puts it began to beat her. she associates parents with abuse and she thought once we became her parents we would abuse her like her mother did..... Well we talked til 1am and aired out everything and we told her noone was forcing her to do anything that it has been her choiced from the start she came to us and told us she wanted to be adopted by us and so we told her to sleep on it and let us know what she believes is best and she still wants to do the PLC. So I will let you know how the meeting goes today with the adoption worker.

2009-04-20T17:53:00.000-04:00

Hey blogger world,

Well the worker came out and she has the paperwork for bio to sign over her rights but noone can find her they believe she is in jail because she told the worker if she didnt get into a drug and alcohol program that she would be arrested and after that noone has heard from her. But regardless they will still be staying here whether she signs over her rights or not. Lidia is another story she has been acting a fool which is nothing really new to us. She has cut school and by cutting school I mean she knows what her school uniform is and will wear something other than that so that they send her home and instead of coming home she will go else where. Emmi is doing good she is doing very well in her online schooling. Right now Im feeling really irritated because of this whole school cutting thing and she had the nerve to ask if she is in trouble not only that the agency got audited for something she did. I will fill you in with the details when I am calmed down.

2009-04-14T20:56:00.001-04:00

2009-04-14T19:35:00.000-04:00

Hello, blogging world.
things on my end are going really good, with the boys their bio has contacted me a few times by phone and she still wants them here and the lady ms sheppard is out of the picture. she hasnt called for anymore visit but she has called my home and we have spoken and she has spoken to namair. Lidia went to kansas to visit with her bio mom for a week and she had a great time. The adoption case manager called me a few minutes ago and she is coming out to go over paperwork for the june hearing for the boys as well as the june hearing for lidia. i will be so glad when we are thro with the system i dont know what to do. I will be glad when I feel like i can stop holding my breathe as far as my children are concerned. While namair is still growing on me I do care about him, But he is a very difficult child. they didnt tell us how troubled he was. and how sneeky he was. they basically fed us lies because they wanted us to take him so the boys could be together.

2009-04-08T20:41:00.000-04:00

Hi all,

Sorry that I havent written but with the starting of our studio I have been up to my neck in paperwork research promotions.... You name it! But all is well here when i get a chance i will catch you all up on us....

2009-03-30T20:25:00.001-04:00

Well, We have starting our photography business and already we have people booked for easter pics and video sessions. I spoke with the boys mom who called the day before for about and hour or more she told me her life story and it made me wanna cry. She has never had anyone..... but she is still saying she wants the boys with us and I am happy with that...... talking to her pulled up some feelings of hopelessness from my past. Normally I would have allowed those feelings to drown me but I refused for once to be taken back to that part of my life because I have survived it and I am doing well in life. I mean it's something I struggle with on a everyday basis and to give into it now would be my doom. it took me and is taking me years to keep myself together. So I have to constantly remind myself that I am not who I use to be. I am safe and I am loved..... I mean I literally have to say those exact words to myself every night before I close my eyes. Some days are better than others where I dont think about it at all then.... there are those dark dark days when something triggers me off for no reason it seems I smell something someone says something and I dont want to get out of bed i dont want to face the world and everything seems so bleak. Luckily now majority of my days are filled with sunshine and the laughter of my kids. Who no matter what I have to keep going for :) they make me see so much beauty so much joy in their everyday antics and for that I am very thankful. Someone told me when I was about 12 years old "God has a plan for you, Be strong" and when she told me this I was mad. I was going through so much in my young life i said wow is this all you can say is this what is supposed to keep me going.... but now I see that she was right.... he does have a plan or else i wouldnt have made it this far............

2009-03-26T17:32:00.000-04:00

Well

We went to the visit today and and dhs and the casemanger and the supervisor of the case manager all had a meeting with us and the bio mom.... and we had her all wrong because of the lady Ms sheppard. Now mom wants the kids with us and will be signing over her rights to them. the lady had pulled wool over everyones eyes the mom doesnt want the boys at ms sheppards home for any visits at all so the dhs worker is looking to do them anymore as noone wanted them to happen anyway..... and the sister doesnt even live with ms sheppard nor does she have custody of her the sister lives with her paternal gmom and that is who has custody of her and by the bio mom not coming to court last time ms sheppard got away with murder. and ms sheppard has been telling us that bio mom wanted the boys with her when it is not true at all.... We had bio pegged all wrong she is actually a nice person she is just a young woman with emotional issues and is mentally delayed she has agreed to giving her rights to us if she can call the boys every so often and if she can maybe attend a bday party. and we dont mind that all. So I gave the bio mom are number so that we could keep intouch until court and we will see her at the next visit . Today was a good day. :))

2009-03-25T18:04:00.000-04:00

LIDIA

NAMAIR

AEIRESS

YAEL

IMPERIAL

Well,

There is to be a visit tomorrow but guess what the time is different and jay has to work so i have to deal with these people alone and I dont want to. the lady says that she is to get the boys for the weekend and noone knows where she got that idea from as she is to have a visit for the little girl at a mutual time thats good for us as well and we are supposed to supervise the visit so now she is mad because of what the social worker said. This is crazy this lady is crazy im so sick of this crap. I have no problem with them seeing their sister but this lady is just unbearable...... I guess I will start with some back ground on each of the kids I will start with lidia.

Lidia is 15 yrs old and her son is 1 yrs old his name is nasir. lidia is a pretty good kids she has her of course issues but other than that she is a good kid. She came into care because of a fight between her and her mother and sister who tried to take her baby and she fought them. Now her mother treated her badly emotionally and physically abused her. Her father would get drunk and touch her. So after the fight her mother told the cops that lidia was violent and things so they took her and she came into care. Once in care she was moved to a couple of homes mainly because noone wanted a girl with a baby. So she gave the baby to the father and then some girls in the home she was in bleached all of her things. They called us and asked if we would take her. At first I was hesitant because im like im only 24 what can i tell this girl and will she listen to me.. But in the end jay i decided to take her because we didnt want to wonder what if and wonder what happen to her later . It was a good decision even though she has put us thro some things we love her and she is apart of our family, as is her son. I found out that she cuts and has done so lately so I told her either she could tell the worker or I would and after some coaching she did and is now going to be going to therapy. Her mom moved to kansas and lidia is going to visit her for spring break via court order. We are not adopting lidia we are doing PLC which is like adoption in our state It means we are her permenant guardians and have physical and legal custody of her. That hearing is in June. We go back to court for the boys in june as well.... for more BS I am sure.

2009-03-24T13:09:00.001-04:00

Well today started out ok. The boys were supposed to have a visit today but i got a call this morning saying that the bio had not confirmed so we made other plans. then like always an hour before the visit the bio moms calls and the agency calls and says can we bring them down. Now this is something she does all the time. She never follows the rules. The rules are that you have to confirm the visit the day before by 3pm with the case worker. and she never does she calls someone else in the office and then the worker calls us and says no visit and then later that day either someone else tells the worker Oh by the way she called yesterday and more than likely it is after cut off time. I soooo sick of this they are always changing the day the time as if we have no life as if jay doesnt work and i am not toting the kids down on the bus and the agency cant transport. I wish the agency and the bio would get there crap together. I mean if the visit is at a certain time and day and she does not do what she is supposed to do she shouyld not get to ruin everyones day and get her way. she sees the boys every seven months or so...... if that I can count how many times she has seen the baby and namair has been in care since 2006. here parents are supposed to have 15 months to get their kids back as I said SUPPOSED but look how longs its been since fricken 2006!!!! I am so horribley fustrated today and i feel worn out by this foster care situation...... All i want is for there to be some consistancy.... Is that to much to ask?

2009-03-22T17:52:00.000-04:00

Well I have fricken pink eye....... and its horrible my eye is all runny and my vision is all blurry which isnt so good with active kids and a 10 month old on the go.... Well we have to take a boys to a visit with the bio mom and their sister who lives with her aunt. the aunt is not related to the boys she is the sister to the father of the sister. well this is the first the bio egg donor will have seen the boys since b4 thanksgiving. the court system here suxs big time..... her right were supposed to be terminated at the last court hearing but so many things stopped that, the lawyer for the boys was replaced and needed to be brought up to speed, the judge was replaced and now the new judge needs to be brought up to speed, the mom says that another man is the father of the 4yr old so a paternity test has to happen, the so called father of the baby says he wants nothing to do with the situation at all. the woman who has the sister wants the boys as well. But the lawyer of the boys the advocate the DHS worker the lawyer for DHS and the foster care agancy want them with us.... so we arent really concerned with that..... the lady was granted visitation at her house for them to spend time with their sister every two weeks that hasnt started yet we have to wait for DHS to approve her home ande they are delaying it because they dont want the visits in the womans house they want to appeal them. The lady is very nasty and noone likes her...... Just pray for our boys......

2009-03-20T19:06:00.000-04:00

Hi all i know I have been MIA for a long time and there are so many things that have taken place in my life it just wont fit in one post. Well we are still fighting for our foster kids.... That subject I wont touch at the moment lets just say the foster care system here sucks big time. but on another note yael is crawling, standing alone and taking steps. aeiress is sitting alone and semi crawling. Lidia is doing ok although she is failing bigtime in school do to a school system that doesnt care and a learning disability. namair is very very very trying... emmi is still a bright and happy little girl. Jay and i just celebrated our anniversary on wednesday. She bought me a Nikon D90 which i am learning how to work. Now for some updated pics.... Excuse the boogers lol they both have colds......

2009-01-19T19:38:00.000-05:00

yael is crawling has been for 3 weeks now

aeiress loves to laugh

she also loves her glow friends

2009-01-09T16:52:00.000-05:00

Presents on christmas eve

Emmi and Yael christmas day

Namair

Kids in front or tree a few weeks b4 christmas Emmi Aeiress Yael Namair

Neice aniyah, nephew ameen, emmi, aeiress, destiny (jay's sister), namair, yael

Aeiress asleep

emmi and aeiress

aeiress

Christmas in photos.....

Pictures of the kids

2008-12-03T08:41:00.000-05:00

Aeiress laying on mommy jay at her two month doctor appointment.

Yael on thanksgiving

Aeiress on thanksgiving

My children and my grandson Aeiress, Yael, Emmi, Namair, Lidia and her son Nasir

2008-11-20T17:00:00.000-05:00

The top pic is of Jay's cousin Edward, Emmi, and Namair taken at the zoo. and the bottom one is of my girls Imperial (emmi) and Aeiress.

2008-11-20T16:49:00.000-05:00

Well everything on this end is going great so far.... knock on wood. My babies are growing so fast and so is my little girl who is know beginning to read... I cant believe it. Namair my foster son is very trying at times but he is a good kid and giving the fact that he has been in five different homes is only 4 and has witnessed his baby brother pass away I think he has turned out ok. He is the bio brother to my soon to be fully adopted son Yael.

2008-11-04T23:39:00.000-05:00

OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE ARE MAKING HISTORY!!!!!!!!! ~NO~ WE "MADE" HISTORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-10-31T16:50:00.000-04:00

Yael and I.................

2008-10-27T00:08:00.001-04:00

well things in my life are going good for the most part Its so hard to keep up with blogging with all the kids and everything I promise to get better at it but until i do i will just post pictures which is what everyone wants to see anyway right lol So here are some pictures of aeiress and yael.

2008-10-18T13:22:00.001-04:00

Well Aeiress is in the clear for the G6 PD Yaye!!!!! Life is hectic with a house full of little ones... I also have had my best friend and her boyfriend down for ten days all the way from Nova Scotia Canada. So we have been out shopping and showing them the city we have been having a great time they drove 22 straight hours to get here...

2008-09-26T18:31:00.000-04:00

Well we took aeiress to the doctor for her first visit and they told us she has G-6 PD Dificiency http://kidshealth.org/parent/general/aches/g6pd.html you can read about it there. And I feel like I did something wrong like i somehow cursed my kid... chose a bad donor.... I dont know I just feel sad I know its managable and we will make sure she stays healthy and away from triggers, but it doesnt take that feeling away. Since the doctor told us about it Jay and I havent even really spoken of it like just to mention it makes it that much more real.... I felt the same way when i found out emmi had asthma because i have it myself. But one thing I do know is I have been blessed with very beautiful babies.....

2008-09-24T13:40:00.000-04:00

Hey all im still recovering had my staples removed yesterday it was awful the skin began to grow over the staples and removing them was difficult... Aeiress is great she has slept through the night since she was born. I wake her if my boobs began to hurt... Yael sleeps all night as well whoo hoo!!!! she is very quiet and laid back neve cries unless she is hungry and thats not even a full cry just some whinning..... emmi was exactly like that as a baby... and Yael is a great baby as well...

Now for the delivery... we arrived (myself, Jay, My mother) at the hospital at 9am and sat in the waiting room for a few then we were taken to a room were i was shaved given a iv had a cathether put in and jay was given scrubs.. I was then wheeled down for surgery i was given an anacid and then taken in to the OR the anesthesiaologist came in and did my spinal the draps were put up and jay cam in and sat by my head she was sooo nervous she was looking sick lol she held my hand for a few and talked with me the whole time then we heard them say here comes baby and we heard her gurgling they said its a girl and she started to scream they then took her over to the pediatric team and Jay went and cut the rest of the cord... I started to cry whe she did cause she wanted to soo bad but we thought she wouldnt be able to..... then my head started to hurt so bad i couldnt keep my eyes open and then the nausea started and i was given a bucket jay came over with the baby and tried to get me to see her but i couldnt my head was hurting she kept me talking and the feeling past. the team took the baby to clean her up and they finished with the surgery. I was taken to recovery where as the numbing wore off i started feeling great pain I was injected in my butt with some meds.. and the shaking started... And I was freezing.. the surgery ran a little late and my mother was in the waiting room crying and upset because she was worried and had'nt heard anything so jay went out to her to tell her i was ok and so was her granddaughter. I was then taken up to my room where after lifting me onto my new bed I began to bleed from my incision tons of doctors rushed in and jay and my mother were in the hallway scared and i kept telling them to get jay and I was crying and scared I was in sooo much pain the injected me again in the butt and got a medicine drip going with the push button. finally they got it to stop and jay and my mom came in and hugged me and I dozed off until the brought the baby back in the room. i had another episode of the bleeding while in the hospital.... other than that everything went good.... glad to be home with my kids and family we have a house full!!! My mother is here Jays mother is here her two sisters her uncle her brother and her cousin!!! I have tons and tons of help!!

The pic aboove are of miss Aeiress and Imperial's (Emmi) first day of school!!

2008-09-20T19:00:00.001-04:00

UPDATE!!!!
I am home I cant give to much detail but my princess has arrived I have more pics will post more later... The delivery was good but recovering is rough... I had bleeding from my incision after surgery..... still in alot of pain still have my staples in so I have to go back tuesday to have them removed.... will post more detail when I am able.......

2008-09-16T16:37:00.000-04:00

Hey went and had my pre admissions blood work and got my hospital band for tomorrow's c-section delivery. We are so excited I cant believe that she will be here tomorrow. Will post pictures when I get settled at home...

But I leave you with a picture of Yael my little prince!!!!

2008-08-29T18:10:00.000-04:00

2008-08-27T21:06:00.000-04:00

My pride and Joy My Baby Boy....... Yael

This was at his 2 month check up. He is now 3 months....

2008-08-12T20:26:00.000-04:00

2008-08-12T14:30:00.000-04:00

2008-07-22T16:55:00.000-04:00

Hey we went to the docs today and got the date of my C-Section September 17 2008 !!!! Its so surreal to have a actual date for my little ones birthday. On the homefront we are just so excited about next week so that we can move out of this house... and We have our 3D-4D ultrasound on August 12th at 10 am I am soooo excited lol!!!!!

I leave you with a picture of 2 month old Yael and his new gym mat toy he just loves it as you can see...

ME- ,ME

2008-07-14T14:57:00.001-04:00

Where did you meet?
We met in elementary school in second grade... Lost touch in middle school and met up again in 2004

How long did you date?
Hmmmm... Not sure how to answer that when we met back up we starting talking on the phone all the time but i was with someone else...( who was a monster) and then I was in the hospital and the female I was with didnt come and she did 1 in the morning..... well after that we got alot closer and she told me she wanted to be with me other than being my friend... Her exact words were So you going to be my girl or what??? lol

How old is she? 24 will be 25 in september

Who eats more? Right now me because im pregnant.

Who said “I love you” first? She did...

Who is taller? She is by an inch

Who sings better? She does she actually had a record deal but turned it down....

Who is smarter? Depends who you ask.

Whose temper is worse? Hmmm It depends ..... we both are pretty bad...

Who does the laundry? I do

Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? I do

Who pays the bills? We both do

Who cooks dinner? I do

Who drives when you are together? she does i dont have a license just my permit

Who is more stubborn? Me.

Who kissed whom first? she did

Who is the first to admit to being wrong? She is

Whose parents do you see the most? Mine Her mom lives in another city.

Who proposed?She did.

What’s her best physical attribute? Her eyes.

Who has more friends?
We really dont have to many... at least to call friends but we know alot of people

What are you most proud of her for? For surviving.... We both had tough childhoods

Who has more siblings? she does i have four she has six

Who wears the pants in the family? I would say I do.... lol

2008-07-06T17:27:00.000-04:00

Here are pics of mister Yael and a pic of emmi on the left and jay's little sister destiny on the right.....................

Well its been a long time..... I have been going through sooooo much shyt.... We are moving August 1st we jus moved to this house March 1st but there is so much bullshyt with the damn landlord.... We found out that they were renting this place to us illegally then they havent paid the water bill on this place since November so about two weeks ago while having family from out of town her (five people) the water got cut off..... we had no water for two days called the landlord and their phone was off went to there home noone was there.... so we had to get the water in our name ......... But the good thing is we found a wonderful new home... we are soooo in love with this house and cant wait to leave here.... then I fell in my bathroom and hurt my hip.... the next day i fainted and hit my head on the marble floor... emmi found me and went to get jay..... Our foster daughter Angella went back with her mom last monday.... My foster daughter lidia has been giving us alot of grief.... Lying about where is has been having grown men calling my house 1 in the morning.... and other things...... but we love her and she was doing soooo good but her mother left town recently and never even said goodbye so i think that triggered the acting out... she is on punishment for a month and is handling it very well..... On the pregnancy homefront all is well with our little one cant wait to meet her!!!! Jay and i talked and she is going to try and get prego in about two or three years!!! I am sooo glad cause I told her that Im done making babies....lol

2008-06-01T12:27:00.000-04:00

When we first signed up to be foster parents we did so to find a little boy 3 and under to adopt since it was the only way we would be guaranteed a little boy. At the time we signed up we hadnt decided to try and get pregnant that year. That was sort of an ok lets do it type of thing at the last minute. Since we are foster parents we are the first people that are asked when a child is going up for adoption and we said yes. Plus they really love us at the agency. When they asked us to take him and if we wanted to adopt I couldnt say no he is soooo adorable and after what has happened to his siblings i feel soooo protective of our little guy. And thinking about what he endured during pregnancy the drugs in his system...... I am glad he is with us.....

2008-06-01T11:19:00.001-04:00

Just wanted to post another picture of our baby Boy!!!

2008-05-31T18:24:00.000-04:00

We have just received a 1 week old baby boy!! He is just a joy to have, he is such a good baby... He was born drug addicted but is other wise beautiful and healthy.... his mother is 22 and has had five children one baby drowned in the tub... another burnt in a fire and a three year old who is in foster care..... So Please pray this adoption goes as planned!!!

2008-05-20T19:50:00.000-04:00

Well today we had a prenatal appt and all went great... Got to hear our little girls heart beat and they measured my belly I am measuring right on target.... And the Picture is My little princess Emmi...... I am getting a little nervous because at seven months I began to dilate with Emmi and had to quit my job.... And Im worried I will go through the same scare with this baby....

That Pic is of Jay's Mom and My Mom

2008-05-18T19:04:00.001-04:00

Well people Life is sort of crazy right now for me.... But I am standing tall and strong.... But for some good news!!!!! My Little girl is graduating from Pre-K!!!!! I am sooooo Proud...... Lidia Has pulled up all her grades from Straight F's when she got here with us to B's!!!! And got accepted to the Science Academy Charter School for the next school Year!!!!!

2008-05-04T19:56:00.000-04:00

Hi all lately I have been feeling under alot of pressure...... and I even broke down crying the other day....... so the stress I am going through along with pregnancy hormones just does not match at all ... I guess I will go into more detail later...

I leave you with a belly Pic of the prego belly and Emmi giving it a kiss....

2008-04-27T10:35:00.001-04:00

Hey all just wanted to update everyone. Well i had another ultrasound on April 25th to recheck the spots on her brain and they are clearing up on their own they were Cysts.... And she is measuring 20w2d, 10 inches and 9 1/2 oz. Things right now are going ok. Jay went and took her test for US Border Patrol the same day which is why she wasnt at the ultrasound. But she passed with a 91 !!!! So once she passes her Physical she will be leaving for New Mexico for training for 4 months. Probably in October. After that we will be moving to New Mexico Or Arizona.. Does any one Live at either Location???? On the 25th we were also in an accident on our way out of town the hood blew up and shattered the front windshield in jay's and mine face causing us to be unable to see but we are all ok thank god...... In the photo can you see our little girls little lips and chunky cheeks!!!!???

2008-04-13T20:16:00.001-04:00

Well thanks for the comments things are good on the home front...... Amen

I leave you with a belly shot....

2008-04-11T19:15:00.000-04:00

I have just had the scare of my life.................. I am still basically crying right now and these pregnancy hormones arent helping in the least..... I was talking to jay on the phone.....Wait a little back ground.... Jay works at the Naval and Airforce base here and is military police.... but we were on the phone and she starts yelling arabs are coming over the gates and i hear all this commotion and she hangs up....... My heart dropped and i just jumped up and called for jays sister who lives here and told her we had to leave and that the arabs were storming the base..... we left out the house to go to the base.... when we got out the house she called me back and told me to go back home that they had gotten the people in custody and she would call me in 15 mins...... it was the longest 15 mins... i started having pains in my abdomen contraction like pains so i knew i had to calm down.... but i couldnt stop crying so i called my mom who calmed me down and i turned on the news... she called me back and well she says she is alright and told me the reinforcements and the FBI are there and she would call me back when she got a chance..... Im at a lost for words I have never been so scared in my life........ I will update soon right now im still having pain and i need to lay down............

2008-04-11T17:17:00.000-04:00

Teenagers can be so very trying.... well lidia decided to cut school today..... the school called me and told me she was not there so here I am worried all damn day wondering if she is ok.... they also tell me that she has all F's and one D and will be repeating the 7th grade yet again. Now I have only had her for one month exactly and i am already very attached to her and I dont want to see her go any where.... But the thing is she is one probation in the child protective system and if she doesnt do right she will be sent to a detention center.... things have been goin haywire here since the other day when she and the babies father got into it and he told her to come and get the baby and had me all worked up... I am damn near 5 months pregnant and stress is something i do not need.... Jay is so mad she just left for work.... Oh did I mention she got into a fight in school yesterday.... When she came in the door today i didnt say anything... she just pretended everything was ok and she had went to school until jay asked her where she had been.... then she said she went to a friends house... this story is to be continued.......

2008-04-09T13:05:00.001-04:00

Well the newest memeber of the household is here.... One year old Angella.... I went to meet with her mother yesterday evenning but she wouldnt even look at me she just hung her head and cried.... I felt bad for her, her name is Grace and she is 16 or 17 years old.... she was there with her foster mother and they just quickly left because she was so upset. She did however call later that night and apologize she said she was just so sad to be seperated from her baby... and i told her i understood so.. for the visitation day she and the foster mother with be picking angella up for church sunday. Angella is a sweetie she hasnt cried since she came here and she slept from 9 pm til 5 am i changed and gave her a bottle and she went back to bed.... and so far she has taken a two hour nap this afternoon and is up playing right now.... But last night was also very trying for me as Lidia and Nasirs father went through some crap but Jay has taken care of all of that.... so hopefully things will continue to go grea around here....

2008-04-08T07:33:00.000-04:00

Well today we have a new foster daughte coming who is one years old can you say busy...... Cause thats what I have been Our daycare should be open in a few weeks to a month.... Been trying to get the house together as we are still getting settled in.... Well today my schedule is to

Go shopping

Go get bed for new foster daughter

Go to home depot for some things

Finish straightening up

Be at foster care agency by 5 to meet with new foster daughter's mother

Be back by 5:30pm to meet with child protective service worker for Lidia

At 5:30 also meet with Child advocate lawyer for Lidia

Settle new foster daughter in

I leave you with pictures of Lidia son Nazir and Imperial and the Puppies

Oh we also have level two ultrasound on april 25th to recheck the baby.....

2008-04-04T16:53:00.000-04:00

GIRL!!!!!!!! So we are on team pink!!!!! They told us that there were spots on the brain and that there was a 99.5% chance that the baby is alright and they only way that we will know 100% everything is alright if we get and amnio which we declined... But Our gut says that everything is alright... and no matter what its our baby and we love her.... We let emmi pick the middle name we picked her name already. But we aren't telling yet... But we are praying everything is going to be ok with our wee one.....

2008-03-25T21:03:00.000-04:00

Well today we went to our prenatal visit and everything from our nuchal scan was perfect (we had that a few weeks ago) we finally got to hear the heart beat. and they scheduled our 20 week scan for april 4th..... early huh yea I will only be 16 weeks....

and i leave you with a pic of my new foster daughter Lidia who is 14 years old and a picture of her and emmi. I will post a picture of her son as soon as I get a picture of him.

2008-03-20T11:53:00.000-04:00

Well to answer the gender questions Jay and I thought we saw a lil pee pee but the tech wouldnt confirm it but both the legs were clearly open.... So we are just hoping that we are right and a little boy is on board.

2008-03-19T21:19:00.000-04:00

Well I havent been around for ages but thats with good reason one being we have moved into our new house. so we didnt have internet connection for a while. We also received a new foster daughter who is 14 yrs old and has a seven month old son. Her name is Lidia and she is great and fits right in with our family. She is with us probably until she is eighteen or until she moves out on her own.... and we had another ultrasound for our first trimester first screen test.

2008-02-25T18:27:00.001-05:00

Well we had our ultrasound today and we have ONE baby!!!! what a relief!!!! lol........ Dr. says baby is measuring exactly as he/she should.... Wow was the baby active turning and waving and kicking... Jay cried a little seeing the wee one...... I laughed when the little hand looked like it was waving at us.....

2008-02-20T21:59:00.000-05:00

Well we are three months now... The morning sickness is beginning to lessen up and I am feeling a bit better.... well sort of the head aches are horrible..... For a couple of days i stayed in bed last week i had a terrible chest cold..... We have our ultrasound on Feb 25th hoping they only see one...... but if not hey twins it is....... I am a terrible blogger but things in my life have been a little rough lately but Jay and I are hanging tough..... She has been absolutely wonderful and supportive..... I have been a little moody and she will kindly remind me that I am being a tad bit mean and kiss me....lol.... she rubbs me and hugs me and checks on me and makes sure i get the right amount of sleep..... = )

2008-01-14T19:25:00.000-05:00

Sorry I have been MIA on the posting but I have been really tied up. We recieved our foster son last monday he was two years old. He went to be with his mother today.... and I have been exhausted...... but I am feeling so great.... and happy.... It is starting to sink in that it worked and we are pregnant....

2008-01-10T22:42:00.000-05:00

Went to the doctors today and got an offical BFP!!!!!! My obgyn appt is feb 11 2008. I saw my regular dr today she doesnt do obstetrics.... I cannot believe how bloated I am.... I had O pains twice this cycle... Has me wondering.... plus the nausea is already intense.... but I guess we shall see....

2008-01-09T21:13:00.000-05:00

Well today I made the appointment at the hospital I will be delivering the baby and my appointment is Feb 11 2008. I go to my regular doctor tomorrow for an official pregnancy test but my doctor's clinic does not do obstetrics which is why I will be going to the Hospital for my prenatal care. We went to the dealership to look at mini vans and we will be getting on on friday we were approved..... But wow I didnt realize how many amazing and supportive friends I had.........

WE DID IT!!!!!!!

2008-01-08T21:14:00.000-05:00

WELL WE TOOK THE TEST TODAY AND ITS A BFP BFP BFP!!!!!!!! WE ARE BEYOND ELATED!!!!! I CAN BARELY EVEN TYPE............

am I crazy....

2008-01-05T08:27:00.000-05:00

Well today and yesterday my symptoms are the same

Tingly boobies

frequent urination..... Now waking me at night..... I use to try and hold it and just wake up with an abdominal ache.....

still bloated

back ache

had cramping that had me checking in the restroom for af yesterday its only 8:30 am so i may post and update later....

the pics above are of emmi this past summer and of emmi and I in i believe 05

Another day

2008-01-03T20:41:00.000-05:00

Well my symptoms as of today..... Still bloating, the peeing thing is crazy.... my boobies get achy on and off.... sleepy came home and went straight to sleep just got up cause jay had to get up for work...... nausea on and off ....

2008-01-01T12:32:00.000-05:00

Well my symptoms as of today are frequent urination and i am still very bloated..... and tired went to bed at nine last night........ My symptoms with my daughter was frequent urinations way before i even missed my period maybe that same week..... And I have this strange feeling in my lower abdominal area not sure if its from the bloating or not..... cant quite put a finger on how to describe it it isnt cramping ...... with my daughter my cramping started about four days before my period....

and thats a picture of Imperial on my legs today......

Well.....

2007-12-30T13:19:00.000-05:00

Well we are officially in the two week wait...... We inseminated on 12/27/07 at 7:30 am and again 12/28/07 at 7:30 am and that was 12 and 36 hours after the smiley...... right now I am sooooo bloated and can't stop peeing.... Im like wow did it happen this soon before... Well with Imperial the peeing happened right away but not the bloating..... I will post my symptoms every day for my audience......lmao but send baby dust.....

Happy holidays

2007-12-26T20:19:00.001-05:00

I leave you with a christmas picture of emmi......... and the puppies....

Well we have a smiley

2007-12-26T20:06:00.001-05:00

Well our swimmers arrived today!!!! Yaye.... I know....I didnt even write and say we were trying but... I wasnt sure what was going to happen every time we say we will try something happens and we cant buy the swimmers but THEY'RE HERE.......... and today was my first day testing and WE got a smiley so we will inseminate with our first of two vials at 6 AM.... then again the next day at 6 AM..... I am soooo excited!!!!!!!

2007-11-28T21:19:00.000-05:00

I made that pic in memory of my two babies.... my niece and nephew........

I cant believe this is happening i can't believe you are both gone so soon....... but god thought so much of you that he wanted you all to himself..... He didnt want you to suffer anymore.... but now im suffering im hurting..... I sort of feel numb because Amina you just left a few short weeks ago.... and Now Aziz........ My heart is so broken.... I know you both are in a better place... A place of no pain... Just joy and laughter...... you both can now fly together.... I love you and I will miss you.....

Now...

I write these things because i know that it is true but the pain i feel is raw and untouched....unmatched...... I can't believe this we just lost Amina November 5th ....... Now her older brother Aziz November 26 ..... Im just stunned and shocked and devastated...... I havent cried im so numb so shocked.... i cant believe this......... I havent even begun to grieve Amina..... Now Aziz..... Please father I cant take it........

What do you do with a broken heart....

2007-11-07T22:09:00.000-05:00

My heart is broken in so many pieces I dont know where to began...... My niece is gone.... Her smile is gone...... so sudden..... she was only one years old..... I have had alot of people die.... but I have never been this affected..... I just saw her sunday held her played with her.... she was running a high fever I asked who was taking her to the hospital ( she had leighs disease)...... I had to leave because we were up in the mountains and had to drive back to our home..... I got the call at five pm monday that she had stopped breathing and was gone....... I threw the phone and hit the floor...... been crying ever since....... My baby My angel with the beautiful smile is gone.... Gone... Gone.... this shyt cant be right...... even in all her pain she smiled..... she never cried.... she smiled..... Im so heart broken....... I feel like this should be a dream... some cruel joke.... I wait for the phone to ring.... someone telling me shes alright shes still here..... but in my heart I know its not gonna happen.... Jay and I are paying for the flowers for her burial.... which is Saturday..... Im just praying for strength right now cause I feel like im drowning in sorrow.....

Rest In Peace Amina.... God's Newest Angel.......

Eventful

2007-11-02T17:37:00.000-04:00

I have a very strang week..... on last friday well more like saturday it was 1am... well anyway Jay and I were on our way to her night job I was pumping gas when I hear a lost boom.... two guys have hit a female because they were running the light..... I see a bunch of smoke and they two guys jump from the car and run on foot... next I hear the woman screaming Help me please help me.... not even thinking I run over to the car and began pulling on the door which was stuck trying to help her get out a guy runs over and breaks the glass we pull her out.... I have glass in my fingers at this point from the glass on her shirt..... jay has told the officers were to go after the guys and she goes and get the lady some water from the cvs.... I call the womans parents and try to calm her down paramedics arrrive we are out there until about 3am I think........ the next day I am out with my godsister and jay is at work and she calls me crying a friend has died in a car crash hours earlier... I rush home to be with her..... been a long week she has taken it very hard... the funeral was today.....

On the bright side emmi had a nice halloween she had a party at school and then I took her trick or treating about a couple blocks into it she says she has enough "junk" and is ready to go home... I laugh and say ok its sooo wierd never thought i would hear her say that lmao.....

Right now Im waiting on Jay's sister and her new bf to come and get us we are driving up to the Pocono Mountains for the weekend.....

Trying times

2007-10-31T14:44:00.000-04:00

Well things for me were very very different I'll say...... But as of right now things couldnt be going in a better direction and shyt I'm suppose to be happy but instead I get afraid... I tell myself relax and just enjoy things..... but anyway I got a new job Im doing accounting and the pay is good..... Emmi is in school full time and she loves it..... our dog tinkerbell had three puppies...
Well I will have more updates coming.....

New Car...

2007-07-29T11:01:00.000-04:00

Well we went and got a car its a chrysler concord and its really nice and fully loaded.....Yay...... Now I'm back to looking for another job that other one didnt go all the way through oh Blahhhh.... I am a bit stressed but don't feel like talking about it I really dont even feel up to posting so I'll save my thoughts for another time......

Zoom zoom zoom........

2007-07-23T20:57:00.000-04:00

Well tomorrow we go to look for a car something that will last atleast til september by then we will have all the money needed for the car that we really want ........ hmmm..... I dont really have anything to post today so....for the two people lol who do read asks some questions or something.....

2007-07-20T12:11:00.000-04:00

Well today I got a job its only 25hours a week but hey is money and it all spends the same. I called the foster parenting organization to ask if they were gay friendly and the lady called me and told me that yes they had other gay foster parents.... and to hurry up and get my butt to the classes cause their were children out there who needed me......That made me feel great our classes are on august 18th and 25th then thats its they are like six hours long and we have to fill out there paper work....so hopeful we will have our foster child soon..... I can't wait....

The above pic is Emmi at the park.....2006

2007-07-18T23:01:00.000-04:00

I thought I would post 2 poems I wrote about Jay.....My Lover, My Best Friend, My Angel.........

LOVE ON THE PHONE

LAYIN IN BED ENGROSSED IN MY BOOK

FOR HOURS NOW MY PHONE RANG OFF THE HOOK

MOM PICKS UP "YAZZ ITS LOVE ON THE PHONE

SAID IT'S BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU WANTED TO KNOW IF YOU WERE HOME

"I SAID HANG UP ON IT TELL IT TO GO AWAY

I WONT FALL VICTIM THIS TIME

NEVER AGAIN BECOME ITS PREY

NEVER AGAIN WILL I LET IT FILL MY HEART WITH JOY

LEADING ME TO BELIEVE I'VE FOUND WHAT I'VE BEEN SEARCING FOR

NEVER AGAIN SHALL I ANSWER ITS CALLS

LET IT LIFT ME UP SO HIGH ONLY TO LET ME FALL

NEVER LANDING ON ROSE PETALS BUT RATHER THE BUSH THORNS AND ALL

NO MOM I REFUSE TO ANSWER THIS CALL

ASK LOVE WHERE WAS IT WHEN I DIALED ITS PHONE

CALLED NIGHT AND DAY BUT LOVE WASNT HOME

AND AT TIMES JUST WOULDNT PICK UP THE PHONE

SO I DIALED NO MORE ONLY TO TO FIND NOW YOU WANT ME

SAY YOU'LL MAKE IT UP

IM JUST SUPPOSED TO OVER LOOK THE LIES NEGLECT AND SUCH

NO LOVE YOUR QUITE PHONY TO ME

AND IN YOU I DO NOT BELIEVE

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY HAVE COME TO ME IN YOUR NAME

EACH TIME MORE OF MY HEART LAY SLAIN

BECAUSE OF YOU I GREW UP TO SOON

CARRY TO THIS DAY EMOTIONAL WOUNDS

I BLAME YOU FOR THE DISAPPEARING ACTS

JUST WHEN I BEGAN TO TRUST YOU I'D FALL FLAT ON MY BACK

SO NO LOVE SORRY YOU DONT BELONG WITH ME

AND YOU TO ME ARE A MEMORY

MY MOTHER REPLIES PLEASE JUST HEAR WHAT IT HAS TO SAY

OK LOVE I SAY SPEAK FAST IF YOU MAY

MY BOOKS AT THE GOOD PART I HAVENT GOT ALL DAY...

HEY YAZZ ITS LOVE WHY WOULDNT YOU COME TO THE PHONE IT'S ME

I WANT YOU TO KNOW IT WASN' ME WHO SET OUT TO DECEIVE

WHO TRIED TO BLIND YOU AND MAKE YOU BELIEVE

NEVER HAVE I SPOKEN FALSELY

YOU WERE NEVER MY PREY BUT MY GUEST

AND WHEN YOU WERE IN MY LIFE I TRULY FELT BLESSED

IT WAS LUST THAT BETRAYED YOU PRETENDED TO BE ME

IN THE HEIGHT OF IT ALL WE CAN BE CONFUSED EASILY

SO PLEASE DONT CONSIDER ME A MEMORY

I WANT TO BE YOUR PRESENT AND FUTURE

YOUR BROKEN HEART I WILL FIX, LOVE, AND SUTURE

I KNOW MANY HAVE COME TO YOU IN MY NAME

ENTRAPPING YOU WITH THEIR LIES LEAVING YOU WITH LITTLE GAINED

BUT YOUR BROKEN HEART WHICH CEASES TO BEAT IN YOUR HANDS

BUT IM HERE NOW AND JUST KNOW IT WAS ALL PART OF GODS PLAN

IF NOT ME THEN PLACE YOUR TRUST IN HIM

DONT JUDGE ME FOR I HAVE YET TO BEGIN

DO YOU REALLY WISH TO SPEND

YOUR LIFE IN WONDERING UNTIL THE END

DO YOU REALLY WISH TO SAY YOU SPENT ALL YOUR DAYS

WALKING IN THIS HAZE

NOW LET ME BE TRUTHFUL I TO MAKE MISTAKES

BUT BECAUSE IM TRUE LOVE LESS OF YOUR HEART IS AT STAKE

YES I MAY DO THINGS THAT MAY CAUSE TEARS TO SPRANG TO YOUR EYES

BUT FOR EVERY TEAR A KISS SHALL BE APPLIED

AND YOUR TEARS WILL QUICKLY BE DRIED

AND YOUR FEARS WILL BE ERASED

NEVER WANTING A FROWN UPON YOUR FACE

IN MY ARMS YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO GUESS

WITH YOU IN MY LIFE I WILL BE BLESSED

NO I HAVE NO BOUNDARIES THE POSSIBLITIES ARE ENDLESS

AND IN CONJUNCTION WITH MY LOVE THERE IS ALSO MY FRIENDSHIP

SO PLEASE BEFORE ITS EVEN BEGUN DON'T END THIS................

YOU PAINTED A PICTURE

YOU PAINTED A PICTURE FOR ME

ALL THE PAIN IN THE WORLD I'VE ENDURED COULD'NT PAINT THIS PICTURE FOR ME

BECAUSE WHEN THE AWNING SNAPPED AND THE UMBRELLA BROKE

NOTHING COULD STOP THE RAIN FROM FALLING DOWN ON ME I FELT BROKE

TOO FOCUSED ON THE INNER TORMOIL AND PAIN

YOU PAINTED THE PICTURE FOR ME I SHOULD NOT FEEL ASHAMED

BECAUSE IT WAS HAPPENING TO ME THE MAJESTIC COLORS I COULD NOT SEE

HOW WONDERFUL AND GLORIOUS LIFE COULD BE

IT WASNT MY FAULT ALL THIS SHIT HAPPENED TO ME

YOU MY LOVE PAINTED THIS PICTURE FOR ME

YOU TAUGHT ME HOW TO MIX THE COLORS ON THIS PALETTE CALLED MY LIFE

PLACED IT ON MY WALL FRAMED IT UP REAL NICE

THEN I GOT COMFORTABLE

I STOPPED PAINTING THE COLORS BEGAIN TO FADE

AND THE PICTURE YOU PAINTED FOR ME

BECAME NOTHING MORE THAN A DISTANT MEMORY

ONLY WHEN IT FELT LIKE IT WAS TO LATE DID I REMEMBER THESE THINGS ON THE

PICTURE YOU PAINTED FOR ME

YOU SAID I COULD START OVER

SO TODAY I PAINTED ME A PICTURE WITH THE PRETTIEST SHADES OF BLUE

WHEN I LOOK AT THIS PAINTING

LOVE I THINK OF YOU

SO WHEN LIFE FADES MY PAINTINGS

I CAN ALWAYS TOUCH UP OR START BRAND NEW

BUT THE BEAUTY OF IT ALL IS NOW I SEE ENOUGH COLORS THAT I CAN PAINT A PICTURE

FOR YOU......

both poems written by

Yasmeen DaPoet

Poetry

2007-07-18T10:41:00.000-04:00

Sorry to who ever is offended which is probably noone since only two people I know reads this.......... and one of them I believe has been to my poetry site already......

So to anwer the question of what happen.....

HIM *****TRIGGER****

It started out innocent a bump here and there

oops sorry i didnt see you standing there

then the hugs got longer the stares became peircing and the touches became to much to bare

one night while sleeping laying upon my back

i was flipped over huge hands around my neck they were wrapped

if you move i'll kill you is whispered in my ear

couldnt move if i wanted to held hostage by the fear

the tears crept slowly but no sound will anyone hear

as my belongings are ripped from my body i cringed in fear

my body feels like im being split in to

as he enters my body i dont know what to do

im only eleven i say

but he continues with the burning and tearing anyway

unable to cope with whats happening to me

i close my eyes wishing he wasnt doing this how could this be

praying to be outside of my skin

praying and wishing please let this be the end

i hear him grunt and he squeezes my neck hard

i cant breathe to say the least

again i am flipped to face the beast

you liked it didnt you

you wanted me didnt you

afraid to say no i answer yes

the beast threw me my clothes told me to wash and get dressed

and to keep my mouth shut if i knew what was best

he left my room with a grin on his face

this day from my memory will never be erased

i lay there unable to move

the end of his wrath would not come soon

after a while i stood my blood and his semen crept down my thigh

needless to try and count the tears i cried

many nights he would return to his feast

which is why i called him the beast

after the depart of his return my whole body burned

i cry silent tears more times then the ones you can hear

sexually dysfunctional

cant be touched with out the stagment memories of him that rise to the surface

cutting my emotions deep

yet noone understands why i weep

how can you erase such vile memories from your mind

as if you chose to live the life of the lost

and become employed with shame and fear as your boss

to the world i am upright standing tall

yet they wonder why doesnt she speak at all

speak only when spoken to is how i live

fearing the crack in my voice might somehow give

way to the fear and shamefulness inside in my mind i just wanna hide...........

If you want the link to my site just ask.......

What happens when the sky turns gray?

2007-07-17T12:54:00.000-04:00

Life..... I have been going through a lot emotionally lately and I am not even sure if anyone or Jay knows it cause as I did as a kid "I put on my make up put a smile on my face and if anyone asks me every thing is ok, I'm laughing cause noone knows the joke is on me but I'm dying inside with my pride and a smile on my face....." Man it was three weeks ago that I recieved a phone call from my dad the "HE" is back (not my father but someone else) and I broke down..... Jay came in the room and held and as usual told me everything was ok and she loved me and I was going to be ok.... I don't know why I even thought that, that day would never come.... I guess it was wishful thinking......... so between the thought that he is around and me losing my job and watching Jay work so hard to provide for us, her sister leaving and taking the car, and me dealing with some thing inside of me that I buried so deep now that its been uncovered it seems so new and that much harder to deal with..... like its my reality not my past..... I am doing the best I can to maintain and "Pretend" that everything is ok..... But really I just wanna shout and scream " Look I'm hurting and I'm afriad Im drugging myself to sleep I wake up in the middle of the night and cry someone help me.......Lord help me.............

Do dreams come true

2007-07-06T12:26:00.000-04:00

I sit and wonder do dreams come true and I have come to the conclusion that indeed they do......
for a long time I wished god would send me someone who would love me and be there for me and treat me with love, respect, and diginity..... and low and behold I found love in a place I would have never thought to look.... in a childhood friend...... I prayed that god would send me a beautiful healthy baby girl....and he granted me that wish as well.... and many man other thing I have prayed for...... for my abuse to end, for my self abuse to end, for me to become a stronger person, and for me to live life to the fullest....... Wow

Right now Jay has a friend who is renting out a house and we are looking for a house so that we can open up our daycare and we are also trying to take in some foster children as well.... I am so excited its like a little party in my head.... and then since I will be at home with the daycare children and foster care children I was thinking what a great time to be pregnant with our child.... What do you think? well we shall see.

I went to the physical therapist yesterday and they told the problem that I have is called Thoracic Outlet Syndrome so because it is at a bad stage I have to have therapy three times a week..... How am I supposed to get a job and get better at the same time.....grrrrrr. Life sure does throw you some curve balls....

Long time

2007-07-02T13:47:00.000-04:00

Well it's been a while since I have written and life has changed alot. Well first of I went to the emergency room on 06/11/2006 while I was at work I had pain shooting up and down my arm from the neck down then the numbness started so I left and went to the ER where they said there was a misshapen disc in my neck WOW now i have been having trouble with my neck for years without a diagnoses. Then I was told I have to have physical therapy twice a week and my job refused to let me do so saying I couldnt take and time off or leave early to get to the doctors then my daughters daycare arrangements went haywire and I was sooooo upset so I talked to jay and she told not to worry about it and so I resigned so now im just looking for something par time so I can still go to my appointments and I am also signing up for school at the community college I am currently going to school online but I dont like it so I am transferring. So right now I am just glad that jay has a good job.... but hopefully i will be back to work very soon.

The above picture is of me and my daughter when she was almost two she is now four

Just another day

2007-05-24T17:39:00.000-04:00

Well last night I went to sleep late.... did not want to get up this morning for work...blahhh.... Even though I didnt have to be there until 12pm. But anyway Im still in training at work and today I got my first bonus...YAY !!! lol but it was kool to be the only one in training to have collected that much money in my first three days using the system. Last night I was tossing and turning and very uncomfortable My daughter is sleeping in the bed with us until we get a bed for Jay's sister right now Nee Nee (jay's sister) and Jessica (my niece) are sleeping in my daughter's room. I' am feeling a little spaced out these days and not sure why I mean my relationship is great and We will be doing great financially within the next few weeks when are pay checks start rolling in. And last night... I m not gonna let the cat out of the bag yet but ...... I got an awesome surprise from Jay..... Been thinking about it all day.... : ) but then back to the baby thing again it's looking as if she is going to be the one to carry..... she is thinking December....and I feel nervous and that's crazy..... even to me cause if it were me carry I really wouldn't be... but You know what I think it's just because if it were me I know how I m gonna react and I have already went through it. I guess I am afraid for her that maybe she can't handle the physical demands of being pregnant. But on another note Im excited all the same a the possibility of being a mommy again to an infant Those were my favorite times with my daughter when she was a little baby.

New subject I was supposed to be taking the police exam next month on the 16th or something like that but now I dont want to. I dont think that it is for me I dont want to handle a gun or anything like that I guess my first and only reason for wanting to do it stems from me wanting to help others. But Im just going to find another way to help others. Like starting this day care Im exciting about that as well since I love children anyway plus I have been baby sitting all my life I also worked at a daycare while I was pregnant with my daughter.

I never thought I would be a blogger because I am secretive and I like to stay to myself. But things inside of me burn me up. For years I have turned to writing whether it's my poetry or just be ranting in a book so I figured I would give this blogging thing a try and low and behold I love it. It's something about how the black letters and the white go together....... well thats about all for now.

First post

2007-05-23T18:38:00.000-04:00

Well this is my first post....Hmmm where to begin I guess I'll talk about my life right now. Well right now I work in collections and It's an ok job just wish it made more money. All I do all day is leave messages since most people screen their calls from the collectors. LOL... But man talking for 8 hours straight is kind of wierd to me. On the home front Everything in my relationship is going great. I love my Angel...... She just got a new job working with the U.S Navy.... She is excited about it plus it's is making alot more money which is great. Lately we have been back on the subject of having a baby and whether we should wait it out or not..... and whether she is the one that will be doing it. I have a four year old daughter already and I would love to have another baby I am actually dying to have another one... But If she wants to be the one to have the baby I am fine with that I would love that baby as much as I love Imperial. But she would have to find another job and I would have to find a better paying one cause she isn't going to be able to be pregnant and be on her job. She also has a very low pain tolerance so ohhhh boy I can just she her now with all her aches and pains lol. So It's some thing that we have to discuss further to see what the best thing to do will be. Another thing is whether to use a known donor or a cryo bank. Her friend is willing to be a donor but I dont think she is at all comfortable with this and she ask me what I think and I'm ok with it because it saves alot of cash that could be spent on baby stuff. We would just have to draw up contracts and have him sign over his rights. And I think it would work better cause during the fertile stage we can get a donation every other day instead of waiting for a delivery and only being able to afford a few vials and if it doesnt work having to spend more money every month that we wish to try. But what ever she wants is ok with me because I just want this thing to go smooth and if one of us has some concern then it's gonna be stressful. I guess maybe that is all I have for today.